Whimper
by idontknowanything
Summary: How does a relationship end? It seems like, at Degrassi, that most end with a bang. Ours – it ended in a whimper. Oneshot relationship angst.


Whimper

Summary: How does a relationship end? It seems like, at Degrassi, that most end with a bang. Ours – it ended in a whimper.

How does a relationship end? It seems like, for all of my friends, that their relationships ended in some kind of dramatic finale – usually ending with a huge fight and angry feelings that last for a while. Us… we rarely fought before, and we didn't fight at all after "it" happened. I used to love him so much. But over time, that changed. Our relationship didn't end in a bang – it's more like a whimper.

But our relationship can't end – because I won't let it. It doesn't matter that it's changed – that my feelings have gradually changed from the passionate love I felt in the beginning to a different kind of love more appropriate for an old friend than for my boyfriend. My feelings don't matter – all that matters is that he needs me.

When did my feelings change? Can I name the moment? It wasn't the shooting – I still loved him as much as ever during that ordeal and after. So it wasn't because of what had happened to him. It wasn't because he was paralyzed. I really don't think there was a reason, or a moment when things changed. It just… is. I could say it would have happened anyway if the whole shooting thing hadn't happened, but that is something I will never know – we can't change what happened, and we can't change how what happened had changed us – how it had made both of us who we are now.

I try to pretend that I still feel the same way – I have to, for him. I even find myself doing things to overcompensate because I feel guilty. What kind of person am I that I fall out of love with my paralyzed boyfriend? How horrible is that? How selfish, and awful, and terrible is that?

I'll keep pretending, because he needs me – he loves me. It doesn't matter how I feel, all that matters is him. It doesn't matter how stuck I feel, or how unfair it is to me – I'll stay. Because he's Jimmy, and he needs me to be there for him, because once upon a time, I did love him the way he deserves.

Suddenly, I realize what I just thought – those words "love him the way he deserves" echoes through my head. For the first time, I realize what my dishonesty means to him. By staying, I thought I was doing the right thing for him. But is it really the right thing for him because I am unable to give him the love he deserves? Is it really fair to him?

I finally realize that I need to be honest to Jimmy – because that is what he deserves. He doesn't deserve a girlfriend who is staying with him out of duty – he deserves a girlfriend who can love him completely and passionately, the way I used to, before things changed – before we changed.

I had finally realized the truth. People change, just like love changes. I still love Jimmy – part of me always will. But I was right before when I said it wasn't the same kind of love as a girlfriend – the kind of love he deserves from his girlfriend.

I pick up the phone, and dial his number, but push the button and hang up before it rings. Some things had to be done in person, and this was one of them.

The weather was cool as I walked the 2 blocks to Jimmy's apartment. Jimmy would be home alone this evening – he had told me that when he invited me over earlier today – an invitation that I had declined. I had been declining more and more invitations lately, as I was finding it easier and easier to avoid Jimmy than to deal with the feelings of guilt his presense made me feel.

I take the elevator up to his apartment, and as the door opens, I am surprised to see Ellie there.

"Oh." Ellie says as she sees me. "Hi, Hazel!" she says as she smiles at me. "Jimmy and I were just working on that MI project together."

The elevator doors close behind me, as I stand in front of Ellie.

"Oh, yeah. Marco and I are going to work ours tomorrow night." I said.

Ellie looks at me oddly. "I thought you were supposed to be working on that tonight. That's what Jimmy told me." she said, confused.

"Yeah, we were." I said, as I suddenly remembered the excuse I had given to avoid seeing Jimmy tonight. "But our plans changed." I finished.

"So, you're here to see Jimmy?" she asks, again smiling at me. "That's good."

She starts to push the button to call up the elevator, and I start to walk down the hallway towards Jimmy's apartment.

Ellie's words stop me. "I think you are great." She said, and I turned around and looked at her.

"What do you mean?" I ask.

"I had you pegged as shallow. I never thought you would stay with Jimmy through everything – so many girls our age would have walked away long ago." She said.

As I looked at her, I felt the guilt. For the first time, I spoke my true feelings aloud. "What would you think of me if I walked away?" I said, as I started crying.

Ellie looked at me, shocked, and came over and put her arms around me. She seemed to sense I was falling apart, and for the first time in a long time, I remembered that connection we had made on that long ago day in detention. On the day that Jimmy and I had first got together. I pulled away from her hug, and looked at her for a moment.

"I… I don't think I love him anymore. At least not the way he deserves." I said.

Ellie looked at me for a moment, and gave me a sad smile.

"I still think you're great." She said.

"Why? I'm horrible, terrible, awful! I'm going to break up with my paralyzed boyfriend because I don't love him in the same way as before." I said, with tears running down my cheeks.

"I think you're great because you are doing the bravest thing. You're right. Jimmy deserves to be loved, and it wouldn't be fair to him if you stayed with him anyway – Jimmy doesn't deserve a pity girlfriend." She said, as she looked me straight in the eye. "Feelings change, people change – it happens to people with two good legs – people break up all the time. Why should you stay with him when you don't love him in the same way? It's not what he deserves, and it's not what you deserve. The fact that he's in a wheelchair shouldn't matter – if you don't love him the way he deserves, then you should break up – just like any other couple." She said, as she searched through her black bag and then handed me a tissue.

I smiled sadly at her, as I wiped my eyes. "Thanks." I said, as I turned and walked away. I heard the elevator doors opening, her footsteps entering, and the doors closing behind, as I walked down the hallway.

I knocked on the door, and waited, as he opened it. He was getting along so well with his wheelchair – she often forgot that he hadn't always had it.

"Hey -- Hazel! What are you doing here?" Jimmy asked, as he smiled at me.

"Hi…" I said, and smiled sadly at him.

He looked at me a moment, and for a couple seconds, I imagined he knew why I was there.

"Jimmy, can we talk?" I said, after gathering up all my courage.

He looked at me, silently, and it was then, as I saw the sad look in his eyes, that I knew that he understood why I was there. Our relationship – it didn't end in a bang. It ended in a whimper that we had both heard for a long time.

The End


End file.
